Thursday, March 22, 2012

My own personal angel....

When this year started, I intended to do so many things. This was going to be MY year. I was turning 40 in February and I was ready to party like it was 1999. But God had other plans in store for me. I found out we were going to have a baby. We weren't trying to conceive. It was a complete surprise. I was completely and utterly nervous because of the increased risks of pregnancy at 40. But I was ready to welcome this sweet & pleasant surprise in September.
I went for a routine check up on a Friday eager because I was starting my 11th week. I was nearing the end of the 1st trimester after a few bouts of nausea, heartburn and cravings. All new to me because I didn't experience any of this with my son. In my heart, I wondered if this would be the little girl that I secretly desired.
Then as the doctor looked at the sonogram monitor, I feared the worst. Her expression said it all. "There's no heartbeat." she said. I felt like I was in another world. I just heard the heartbeat a few weeks ago, how could it have stopped. As a mother how could I not know that something was wrong with my baby? I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the baby measured at 9 weeks and a few days. Two weeks ago my baby died within me and I had no clue.
But I should've realized when the nausea had stopped. When I didn't crave that turkey & cheese sandwich anymore. When I developed this weird rash on my upper body & legs. The weird thing is I think I did know. Everywhere I looked I heard that someone miscarried. It was either on the news or in magazines. The word "miscarriage" was hovering over me like cheap perfume.
I won't ever know if it was a boy or a girl, but in my heart of hearts I know she was my princess. He/she was a part of me & I have nothing but sonograms to look at to remind me. I feel empty inside. Someone is missing in my little family. My son won't ever know that he was going to have a sibling. Thankfully we decided to wait till later to tell him the news. I am so glad we did that. I couldn't bear to explain the details to him.
Now I've become a part of group that I never thought I would be in: women who have miscarried. As I've reached out to online groups, I find the support knowing that I'm not the only one. I have found comfort from friends that I didn't know have miscarried as well. Something so heartbreaking yet so common in us all.
Fridays won't be the same to me. For the next few months I know its going to be a challenge especially in September. I am getting back to my normal routines at work & home. I catch myself thinking about my baby & I get teary eyed. As I listen to people talk about their friends' pregnancies or how I should have another baby I just nod & smile. I feel like the whole damn world is having a baby. Jeez even Snooki is pregnant. And I'm mad. Mad that they get to enjoy this amazing experience & add to their family. Mad that I will be taunted by this experience. Mad that I've decided I don't want to go through this again and have decided not to consider trying again. We will forever be a family of 3. And I will forever have my own personal angel watching over us.


Diane N - Philzendia said...

So sorry to hear this Denise. :( Sending {hugs} your way.

Christina & Rebecca said...

brought tears to my eyes.. I'm so sorry you had to go through this..and happy that you are finding some comfort in knowing your not the only one.. sending big you

Rosie Fernandez said...

I'm SO sorry you joined the club Denise, Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Charlotte said...

I don't know how you feel but what I do know is I'm sending my thoughts and prayers to you & your hubby. Your right you'll have an angel baby forever! We will never forget!

One bolt short of a toolbox said...

Hey, just added you to my blog follow list, hopefully we can be blog buddies!


BoyzRuleOurWorld said...

Thank you ladies for your comments & support. I really appreciate them

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