When this year started, I intended to do so many things. This was going to be MY year. I was turning 40 in February and I was ready to party like it was 1999. But God had other plans in store for me. I found out we were going to have a baby. We weren't trying to conceive. It was a complete surprise. I was completely and utterly nervous because of the increased risks of pregnancy at 40. But I was ready to welcome this sweet & pleasant surprise in September.
I went for a routine check up on a Friday eager because I was starting my 11th week. I was nearing the end of the 1st trimester after a few bouts of nausea, heartburn and cravings. All new to me because I didn't experience any of this with my son. In my heart, I wondered if this would be the little girl that I secretly desired.
Then as the doctor looked at the sonogram monitor, I feared the worst. Her expression said it all. "There's no heartbeat." she said. I felt like I was in another world. I just heard the heartbeat a few weeks ago, how could it have stopped. As a mother how could I not know that something was wrong with my baby? I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the baby measured at 9 weeks and a few days. Two weeks ago my baby died within me and I had no clue.
But I should've realized when the nausea had stopped. When I didn't crave that turkey & cheese sandwich anymore. When I developed this weird rash on my upper body & legs. The weird thing is I think I did know. Everywhere I looked I heard that someone miscarried. It was either on the news or in magazines. The word "miscarriage" was hovering over me like cheap perfume.
I won't ever know if it was a boy or a girl, but in my heart of hearts I know she was my princess. He/she was a part of me & I have nothing but sonograms to look at to remind me. I feel empty inside. Someone is missing in my little family. My son won't ever know that he was going to have a sibling. Thankfully we decided to wait till later to tell him the news. I am so glad we did that. I couldn't bear to explain the details to him.
Now I've become a part of group that I never thought I would be in: women who have miscarried. As I've reached out to online groups, I find the support knowing that I'm not the only one. I have found comfort from friends that I didn't know have miscarried as well. Something so heartbreaking yet so common in us all.
Fridays won't be the same to me. For the next few months I know its going to be a challenge especially in September. I am getting back to my normal routines at work & home. I catch myself thinking about my baby & I get teary eyed. As I listen to people talk about their friends' pregnancies or how I should have another baby I just nod & smile. I feel like the whole damn world is having a baby. Jeez even Snooki is pregnant. And I'm mad. Mad that they get to enjoy this amazing experience & add to their family. Mad that I will be taunted by this experience. Mad that I've decided I don't want to go through this again and have decided not to consider trying again. We will forever be a family of 3. And I will forever have my own personal angel watching over us.