Friday, March 18, 2011

Oh no older brother!

Nine months ago when I gave birth to my youngest son, Caden, my oldest, Julian was absolutely thrilled. He was excited to help feed him, change diapers and just spend time with his little brother. He would brag to everyone that he had a little brother and show him off like he was a prize.

Well fast forward to today and the excitement has worn off. Now I find the jealousy everyone told me about in the beginning has finally kicked in. Julian does any little thing he can to annoy Caden. For example, If Caden is crawling to something, Julian will secretly push the item further & further away so he can't get it. If Caden is sleeping, Julian will touch and poke at him so he will wake up. Then he walks away and acts like he didn't do it. If I'm doing something for Caden such as, feeding him, changing his diaper or even just playing with him, it just happens to be the exact time Julian "needs" me "really quickly".  Sometimes Julian will tell me and the people around him that Caden isn't his brother. He will say "he's my cousin". He says that he is just joking when I ask why he says it but I'm starting to think maybe there is a little more to it.

I don't want to yell at Julian for doing all these things but at the same time I don't want him to think its okay. I'm kind of stuck on what to do. I don't want him to ever feel he is loved any less then he was before Caden was here. I try to balance my time between the two since I am a SAHM but I feel like it's still not enough. I remind him I love him 30 times a day (literally lol) so I don't think he doesn't know it. But I don't know what else to do. HELP



Self Care Girl said...

I am not an expert on the sibling thing- I raised one son (so by Bill Cosby standards I am not "really" a parent either LOL!)

I would take a closer look at the whole picture...When does your son behave in the way you want him to?..try to figure out what is different about those times- then find small ways to replicate it. I apply this to many trouble spots in my life and it does work if you analyze closely enough.

Hope that helps a little-

Take Good Care
Self Care Girl

Michelle said...

It's hard. I'm sorry, but I had to actually laugh at your examples above. I just remember that if we ever said anything to Jaycee, we would also say something to Logan. It helps too if you can get away sometime for some time with just you and Julian. My son(oldest) and I don't get a chance very often, but he loves Mommy-Logan dates. It does get better. How far apart are your kids? Mine are 2 years and 8 months apart. BUT, and this is a big BUT, mine are boy and girl and I think that makes a huge difference. Once your 9 month old becomes old enough to play the same things as your older son, they will play together. They'll also argue and fight. But, they WILL play together.

Anonymous said...

I can imagine that's difficult. My sister goes through this when she comes here; her daughter and mine are like sisters but they bicker and get jealous. I guess you need a lot of patience and a firm hand, together with a firm tone of voice.

CJ xx

Frazzled Mama said...

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Spanishrose560 said...

Hi Justine,

I am the mom of a now 19 year old son, so I didn't have that problem with George. However, my home was always bustling with my nieces and nephews even before my son was born and I had to deal with this issue.

Saying you love them is not always enough; at that age, some children can't grasp the meaning of "I love you," you need to show them with actions.

Food for thought - When you put Caden down for a nap you need to dedicate mommy time to Julian. Prepare an activity for you and Julian in advance to Caden's nap time. Use a timer at the beginning of your one-on-one with Julian if you have to, and when it goes off you have to make him understand, somehow, that play time is over and that you will do it again tomorrow. If you can leave Caden with a sitter and go out and do something special with Julian. I'm not saying it will be an easy task but it's something to consider.

I look forward to reading how all goes with Julian.

Good Luck!

Stephanie said...

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Xenia said...

When my younger daughter was born there was a stretch where I couldn't imagine that she and her older sister would ever be able to play together... but it does happen. My guess is that as Caden gets older and can interact and be "more fun" with Julian, the excitement will come back. He'll realize that he has a built-in playmate!

Good luck... and thanks for stopping by! :)

Emma's Lunch said...

Thanks for stopping by Emma's Lunch. I'm your newest follower.

I'm now pregnant with my second. I worry about this as well. I have no idea what to expect but I'm hoping for the best.

I do agree with the other posters though, and its something I've been planning to do. To have alone mommy time with my daughter at least once or twice per week. Same thing for my husband.

Carolee Sperry said...

I think I would have to agree with Spanishrose560 ...a little special time.

No matter how much you try to "curb your enthusiasm", we all get excited when a baby crawls and talks, etc....there may be a bit of jealousy going on here. Maybe the older one needs to feel like he's doing something exciting, too.

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Mommy said...

Thank you for swinging by 2 Against 1 - Twins following back now.
I can relate to the sibling thing, believe it or not my twins are crazy jealous of each other. Sort of makes me giggle sometimes, but is extremely frustrating other times.

The Crypto-Capers Series said...

I have two boys who are less than two years apart. My older one was all for his new brother until he would start crying then it was, "Can we take him back?" I did find that there were times when he wanted more of my attention. I just made sure that when baby brother was sleeping that it would be our time together. I didn't care if the house wasn't clean. We played and had fun and when brother was up I would let him help me. Let your older son read to the baby, play with him, interact with him with you. Once your son realizes that brother is actually fun to be around he will come around. There is also a great veggie tale movie about this very thing called The Great Pie War. The first part talks about a new baby in the family and feelings of an older sibling. My boys have watched it many times. They are now 8 and 6, but they are inseperable.

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Kelly H. said...

No good advice here, sorry! lol I am still trying to get mine to get along!
New follower hope you will follow back!

Glynis said...

I only have one child but I watch my sister struggle with this. My sister will plan a few hours a week to spend special one on one time with each son. They get to plan the event and have mom's full attention.

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Susanmeep said...

I am following you (suelee1998) from the blog hop, you have a great site. Would you please follow me back?
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Sleppery said...

I wish I could help but I only have one son. We are working on adding a new addition to the house so I'm assuming I'm going to be right where you are next year lol

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reasonstoskipthehousework said...

New follower from the blog hop!

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Nancy said...

Love the name of your blog!
I'm a new follower from the blog hop!
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Orange Paisley said...

I'm a new follower. Hopefully someday I'll have some words of wisdom for you but for this issue, I'll just tell you to hang in there. Sometimes kids just have to work through things while you just keep on loving them. There, that was a little bit wise, huh? Anyway, I'm following you on Twitter. Feel free to stop by my blog or our other

Nicole B said...

Thanks for the follow at Mom Always Finds Out. Boys rule my world too, about to have my 4th one (and no girls but me!)

I read your post above, I'm sure it is normal what Julian is doing, he gets attention from you for his behavior good or bad. I guess if it were me, I would just gently correct him when he does something bad, and explain to him he can hurt the baby poking him and how important it is for him to be a nice big brother and help care for the baby and play with him. Maybe there are some fun things he can do with you to help with the baby so he can get positive attention for doing something helpful. And spending time with just Julian every day is a great idea. It gets harder to spend time with kids the more you have, but they need to feel special and I think it helps mine act better when I have one on one time with them.

I hope that helps!

Becky said...

I don't have any real insight and my Emmy isn't much older than your youngest, but know that Jax HATED her when she was born and if I put them on the same piece of furniture or if he saw me nursing, he would actually throw up or dry heave. Now he asks for her first thing in the morning and looks out for her. It all really started to change when she started crawling/walking/talking/smiling/laughing and he viewed her as a real person. I personally never let him be unkind to her because I didn't want to send mix messages, so you may want to start letting Julian know what behaviors are okay. But you'll figure out what works best for your kids--after all, no one knows them better than you!

Love You Always & Forever said...

I know exactly what you are talking about! My Addie will be 9 months on April 15th and my 7 year old has taken to really enjoying to build with her blocks and not allow her to play with them! He will block her from them and she gets so mad!!! I don't have any advice LOL! Honestly what I do is remind him that she is his baby sister and it is his job to be nice to her and play WITH her not take things from her. I remind him that he needs to show her how to share and play nice with toys. Usually that works and he plays nicely with her.
I am following your blog from the Tuesday Hop! Hope you will follow me back!

Hannah said...

Sound like a fun day!
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Im following you back.


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Erin said...

Following you back!
I think it's inevitable with siblings that there is going to be jealousy and fighting... but then there will be the times that they will be closer than ever! I want a house full of boys -brothers!!! I need to work on that! haha!

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